Nikki

You could not be a poet and not know the works of the incomparable Nikki Giovanni. When I first read Nikki, I was inspired by her spirited disposition and how each word of her works held an art of verbiage that filled me with black pride and feminine esteem. Reading her poetry gave me a sense of character and understanding that I still carry with me to this day. She inspires me to add that energy to my own poetry infusing it with my particular flavor, she is another influence that help me grow as a poet….thank you, Nikki!

The Laws of Motion - Poem by Nikki Giovanni

(for Harlem Magic)

The laws of science teach us a pound of gold weighs as

much as a pound of flour though if dropped from any

undetermined height in their natural state one would

reach bottom and one would fly away

Laws of motion tell us an inert object is more difficult to

propel than an object heading in the wrong direction is to

turn around. Motion being energy—inertia—apathy.

Apathy equals hostility. Hostility—violence. Violence

being energy is its own virtue. Laws of motion teach us

Black people are no less confused because of our

Blackness than we are diffused because of our

powerlessness. Man we are told is the only animal who

smiles with his lips. The eyes however are the mirror of

the soul

The problem with love is not what we feel but what we

wish we felt when we began to feel we should feel

something. Just as publicity is not production: seduction

is not seductive

If I could make a wish I'd wish for all the knowledge of all

the world. Black may be beautiful Professor Micheau

says but knowledge is power. Any desirable object is

bought and sold—any neglected object declines in value.

It is against man's nature to be in either category

If white defines Black and good defines evil then men

define women or women scientifically speaking describe

men. If sweet is the opposite of sour and heat the

absence of cold then love is the contradiction of pain and

beauty is in the eye of the beheld

Sometimes I want to touch you and be touched in

return. But you think I'm grabbing and I think you're

shirking and Mama always said to look out for men like

you

So I go to the streets with my lips painted red and my

eyes carefully shielded to seduce the world my reluctant

lover

And you go to your men slapping fives feeling good

posing as a man because you know as long as you sit

very very still the laws of motion will be in effect

Proverbs 31:17

She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

I am Woman

One of my most serious pet peeves is the various word descriptions people use when referring to a woman. Some women have even adopted these words to call themselves. When I hear these words, especially when spoken by women to women, for me, it is like the equivalent of someone scratching across the chalkboard with their fingernails. There are many words used such as chickenhead, bitch, slut, hoe, cougar, c&%*, etc. the list goes on. However, what is more disturbing is not only are women being called these derogatory names, a few of these words are beginning to be acceptable as terms of endearment and proudly displayed as a badge of honor by some women.  Many times we adopt words without understanding its meaning or origins because it goes along with the latest slang trends. I decided to do a little research of my own out of curiosity to find out how these words became a part of the vocabulary of street slang. Shall we begin…

Slut: Although the ultimate origin of the word slut is unknown, it first appeared in Middle English in 1402 as slutte (AHD), with the meaning "a dirty, untidy, or slovenly woman" Even earlier, Geoffrey Chaucer used the word sluttish (c. 1386) to describe a slovenly man; however, later uses appear almost exclusively associated with women. The modern sense of "a sexually promiscuous woman" dates to at least 1450. The word was originally used around 1450 in the late Middle English language. It was used to describe a woman as dirty, or refer to her as a prostitute, harlot, or immoral woman. The word slut also took a similar form around the same era in the Norwegian language as “slutr” sleet, also known as impure liquor. *wikipedia

C&%*: The etymology of "c&%*" is a matter of debate, but most sources consider the word to have derived from a Germanic word (Proto-Germanic *kuntō, stem *kuntōn-), which appeared as kunta in Old Norse. Scholars are uncertain of the origin of the Proto-Germanic form itself. There are cognates in most Germanic languages, such as the Swedish, Faroese and Nynorsk kunta; West Frisian and Middle Low German kunte; Middle Dutch conte; Dutch kut & kont; Middle Low German kutte; Middle High German kotze ("prostitute"); German kott, and perhaps Old English cot. The etymology of the Proto-Germanic term is disputed. It may have arisen by Grimm's law operating on the Proto-Indo-European root *gen/gon "create, become" seen in gonads, genital, gamete, genetics, gene, or the Proto-Indo-European root *gʷneh₂/guneh₂ "woman" (Greek: gunê, seen in gynaecology). Relationships to similar-sounding words such as the Latin cunnus ("vulva"), and its derivatives French con, Spanish coño, and Portuguese cona, or in Persian kun (کون), have not been conclusively demonstrated. Other Latin words related to cunnus are cuneus ("wedge") and its derivative cunēre ("to fasten with a wedge", (figurative) "to squeeze in"), leading to English words such as cuneiform ("wedge-shaped"). In Middle English, cunt appeared with many spellings, such as coynte, cunte and queynte, which did not always reflect the actual pronunciation of the word. *wikipedia

Cougar: The origin of the word cougar as a slang term is debated, but it is thought to have originated in Western Canada and first appeared in print on the Canadian dating website Cougardate.com. It has also been stated to have "originated in Vancouver, British Columbia, as a put-down for older women who would go to bars and go home with whoever was left at the end of the night. *wikipedia

Chickenhead: "Chickenhead" is a derogatory American English slang term that can refer either to a "dumb female" or, derisively, to someone who performs f^#@$*!~. The term "chickenhead" has been mentioned in the context of misogyny in hip hop culture. Ronald Weitzer and Charis Kubrin note that "A favorite rap term is 'chickenhead,' which reduces a woman to a bobbing head giving &*%$ @!*&." Bakari Kitwana argues that many rappers refer to women, black women in particular, as "bitches, gold diggers, hoes, hoodrats, chickenheads, pigeons, and so on." Johnnetta B. Cole argues that hip hop's tradition to refer to black women in such terms disrespects and vilifies them’*wikipedia

Hoe: 1. a skank, 2. a woman that is too loose in the booty. 4. A promiscuous person. http://www.urbandictionary.com

Whore~1530s spelling alteration (see wh-) of Middle English hore, from Old English hore "prostitute, harlot," from Proto-Germanic *horaz (fem. *horon-) "one who desires" (cognates: Old Norse hora "adulteress," Danish hore, Swedish hora, Dutch hoer, Old High German huora "whore;" in Gothic only in the masc. hors "adulterer, fornicator," also as a verb, horinon "commit adultery")www.etymonline.com 

Bitch: literally meaning a female dog, is a slang pejorative for a person, commonly a woman, who is belligerent, unreasonable, malicious, a control freak, rudely intrusive or aggressive. *wikipedia

Interesting, isn’t it? The two words that are used the most to describe women is “bitch” and “hoe” which actually do have legitimate definitions that we use to describe something:

Bitch: A female dog or other canine. In particular one who has recently had puppies.

Hoe: An agricultural tool consisting of a long handle with a flat blade fixed perpendicular to it at the end, used for digging rows.

What I found interesting with the word “hoe” is unlike bitch, there is no meaning to this word other than the reference of a garden tool. (except for the urban slang definition). The closest I came to a meaning in the dictionary is the reference to a whore and I wondered, (as you can see in the above definition, there is a reference to whore being abbreviated to “hore”) if you eliminate the letter “r” it would be “hoe.”

The point is all these words are not complimentary descriptions to be used to define a respectable woman. As women, how we perceive ourselves and each other is essential to demanding and receiving the proper respect in today’s society. We have come too far to be respected and taken seriously as intelligent and thinking people of the feminine persuasion; it is a step backwards when we allow ourselves to be reduced to “bitches and hoes.” 

So let us take back the proper terms and descriptions that define who we are as “ladies and women"  in this current society. 

When we respect ourselves and each other, we exhibit the confidence of a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and will not accept anything less in how she is perceived and treated by anyone.

   If I Dream...

Color Me Exquisite

One of the most beautifully exquisite features to women of color is we run the spectrum of shades from very fair skin to dark as pitch. It is the melanin in our skin that makes us so unique that the sun kisses us with its luminous rays showing us favor on those wonderfully hot summer days. Yet there is still the remnant of a slave mentality that raises its ugly head to remind us that the Willy Lynch syndrome is still part of our psyche. It was brought into fruition by a sinister letter written by Willy Lynch, a foreign slave owner, to the slave owners of America to gain control over their slaves.

He suggested dividing the house slave from the field slave, the woman from the man, the dark skin slave from the light skin slave, creating rivalry and jealousy that literally destroyed some of the comraderies we had for each other as a people.

It is a sad commentary in the people of color community that for some is too taboo to talk about. But there are some things that can no longer be ignored and need to be flushed out, confronted and eliminated because it contributes to a self-loathing in an individual and it has the capability to be transferred to someone else by proxy and even worse to indoctrinate a child that is by far unacceptable. So let’s put this debilitating lie to bed once and for all that say light skin people are better, than dark skin people and dark skin is negative, ugly and something to be ashamed of. And anyone who falls in the middle of these skin tones are ok if you pass the brown paper bag test. It is inconceivable that this still goes on today, but unfortunately it does.

Willy Lynch promised his plan would last for generations….it did. 

After 400 years, we still suffer the lingering effects of the brainwashing the slave owners implanted in our brains. We still have light skin sisters hating on dark skin sisters, dark skin sisters hating on light skin sisters. The old cliché of not dating a man who is too dark or too light, some add insult to injury by making ignorant comments about a baby born too light or too dark. Some sisters are so ashamed of their own skin they go as far as lightening (bleaching) or darkening (tanning) it to be acceptable to society’s standard of perfection.

A dark skin daughter said to me, her mother told her to stay out of the summer sun: “You don’t need to get no blacker.” What a shame to put such a horrid complex on a dark skin child, but as a black parent with her own inferiority complex about skin tone, it becomes a matter of teaching what you have been taught! Whether we do this knowingly or unknowingly it is a practice that must end, it creates an inferiority complex in our children that they carry into adulthood causing deep psychological scars that affect the way they feel about themselves, their culture and nationality.

This is how it is perpetuated generation upon generation.

It is noticeable in the movie industry, music videos, TV commercials, magazines, every aspect of society proclaims to us what the standard of beauty is by skin tones and then we practice those standards among ourselves. Black is beautiful no matter what shades we are, as African Americans we are the ones that need to be convinced of this.

It is way pass time that we embrace the beautiful spectrums of ebony we are blessed with. We must deny the psychological effects of Willy Lynch’s plan to destroy the relationships we should have with each other.

My family ranges the color spectrum of very fair to very dark and although we have embraced our various shades without issue, most of the ridicule and ignorant remarks have come from outside my family.

When my second son was born, he had very fair skin and my black coworker said as I showed her his picture; “He looks like a white baby!” You would think a grown woman would be intelligent enough not to say something so tactless.

Needless to say, I wasn’t happy with her remark and I let her know, but it’s just an example of the ignorant things that we say to each other about our skin tone.

It is time that we begin to reverse this divisive mentality from our conscious thoughts, it isn’t inferior to be a people of variable shades. It is a gift that The Most High gave us to differentiate ourselves as nations, not a race.

Our melanin is what makes us unique, there are no other people that can produce the beautiful shades of fair, to brown, to deep black skin that we do.

The Most High created us this way….

Who are we to reject that gift?

Who are we to allow others to define that gift for us?

Our various shades of skin color is something to be proud of, celebrated, it is not something to be ashamed of!

Yes, color me exquisite, because that is how Yah made me!

I would hope that we come to a point in our development as a people that we begin to acknowledge our differences and love each other regardless of complexions and learn to embrace everything that makes us unique and beautiful…..because we really are!

Natural Hair Journey

Know Thyself, you come from a long line of strength, honor, beauty and intellect.

First, let me say that choosing to refrain from a chemical relaxer and going back to the natural state of hair is a personal choice and does not reflect the knowledge or lack thereof of the consciousness and pride of your culture or personal roots. I am just sharing my personal journey and why I chose to embrace my natural hair.

I have been natural and relaxer-free for a little over a year; my journey began not necessarily because of the current trend of women embracing their natural hair although it played a part. but because of the place I was in my life. In a woman's life there will be times when she will reflect on her stages of accomplishment and growth, then measure it with the present course of her life. For instance, some of us have goals to be married at a certain time, some have a goal of excelling in their career by a certain point, and others plan when to have kids and how many...etc. For some, these thoughts will occur in the late twenties, thirties, forties and so forth. Well, I was at the stage of reflecting on my life, the choices I made the whys and how come and where do I go from here?

How do I live out the rest of my life from a standpoint of spiritual growth as it pertains to my environment, my life, my people and how do I give back? What can I pass on that I have learned through my experiences and wisdom? By now, I have grandchildren, my three sons are grown, married with children of their own and I began to think of a legacy. After the death of my Father in 2014, these thoughts came to a head and I decided to make some changes in my life. I decided to dig deep within myself and I pulled out some lingering baggage that I still needed to work on within myself concerning my Father, accepting myself as a black woman in a culture that does not embrace or hold to equal standards of who I am as a black woman. Who was I on a spiritual level? Also due to some new information I was receiving I wondered about what I had been taught about my people throughout history. In seeking these answers I went on a quest to know more about African American history as it pertain to our true heritage and history.

As I research the true history of our people there was a transformation of my soul taking place. I had to dig deep within myself to understand how I got away from being true to my culture, the changes were so subtle I hadn't even realize how my thoughts, my ideology, my perception had been altered to believe that my standard of who I was literally was influenced by European standards. I grew up in the seventies; it was a time when we wore our afros proudly, when we weren't embarrassed to be seen with kinky, curly or nappy hair. When the music I enjoyed was soulful and the dances were distinctive to our people. When there was a true love for each other and pride in our communities, celebration of art, style and our culture.

Somehow between then and now we have lost all connections to what made us unique as a people. So as I read of the accomplishments of our people in history outside of the negative imagery mainstream media, movies, books and TV has defined for us and what and who we are as a people I became empowered with that knowledge. I was learning the truths that have been hidden from us. Our history goes far beyond what we have learned in the month of February (Black History Month) or the typical people brought up in public school history class. As I sought more knowledge and awareness of our true heritage, a sense of pride began to arise in me. I found out that there were Kings and Queens in our distant history.


We were (are) mathematicians, scientists, philosophers, builders of empires etc. I learned that I do have a magnificent history that is separate from European History....it is my OWN history. As I came into all this knowledge I was also in the process of growing out my relaxed hair, it had been several months and I was at the ugly stage. You know, the perm/relaxer is a few inches at the tip of your hair strands leaving the wavy straight ends and three or more inches of natural nappy hair at the roots. We, who have been there or those who are already there know what I'm talking about! :)

I took a look in the mirror and I was embarrassed, still suffering from the remnants of social programming I began to get a little discouraged. I called my sister who had already been natural a year or so. She also went through the same emotions and she said to me.....

“You have to change your thought processes, for over thirty years your hair has been relaxed and you have to get to a point of loving and accepting your natural hair. You haven't seen it in thirty years, its new, it seems unnatural. You have to change your thinking from the inside out, when you look in the mirror, don't see what you been told is nappy, unsightly, course and unmanageable hair. You have to relearn how to take care of and be comfortable with your hair, realize it is a necessary part of you."

How strange when you have been brainwashed to believe your natural hair is ugly, embarrassing, and unacceptable. You literally have to retrain your mind of the stereotypical messages indoctrinated into our psyche of what is beautiful and acceptable in our eyes concerning us. Once you conquer this perception you will see the beauty of what is unequivocally a part of us, our naturally course, and nappy hair. It is what distinguishes us from other nationalities. The sad part about it is, not only have we been programmed to feel that way about our natural hair, but we are teaching our daughters to perpetuate that same thinking.

I did go back to a relaxer once, a few months before I spoke with my sister, but after my conversation with her I decided to stick with it, it had become more of a matter of principle then. I changed my thinking, I chose my standard of beauty within myself, I chose to embrace my gorgeous nappy hair and I grew to love it, every strand from the roots to the tips. I experimented with different hair care products teaching myself how to moisturize and keep it conditioned. Ultimately, on my 4c hair, I settled on virgin coconut oil to moisturize, water and aloe misting, Carol's Daughter black vanilla sulfate-free shampoo and Carol's Daughter Monoi repairing hair mask. In a year, I went from 2 and 1/2 inches of hair growth to a total of 7 inches.

It’s been well over a year now since I have been wearing my hair natural and I don't regret one bit of my journey to get where I am at today. There is nothing wrong with following a trend or style, but as black women we have too long allowed society's standard of beauty to dictate what makes us beautiful. We have to embrace what makes us naturally beautiful, our nappy hair, our full lips, curvaceous hips and everything that makes us unique as beautiful black woman. I have chosen a journey of self-discovery that has enhanced me physically, spiritually and most importantly has change my mindset to who I am as a better person, a woman and a spiritual being.

My spiritual walk is also an important part of this transitional period in my life, which is another story to tell as I share a little more about myself in my upcoming posts, until then ladies....natural or relaxed, be true to you!


If you have a natural hair journey to share? Please do....

*Shalom

                 
                      "I be Trippn' when I create poetry in my mind...".


                  One of my favorite poems, I wrote....I hope you enjoy!

Why I write

1 Peter 4:10

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.

My fascination with writing started when I was very young, it began with my love for words and reading. My mother read to my siblings and I when we were young, I was about five. When she would clean the house she would put on records and hand us a book and the recording narrated the book as we read along singing the songs. When I started elementary school my teacher would read to the class as we sat in a circle and I would listen attentively hanging on every word she said. Eventually, I read alone in my room when I could and that habit carried on until now, I love to read. When I became a preteen, I had all these emotions sadness, happy, frustration, anger and sometimes fear, all the feelings that come when a child becomes aware of their surroundings, I experienced. I was a bit more sensitive than most. I believe writers and artists have an innate sensitivity to their environment, psychologist would call them empaths of various degrees.

An empath is when you are affected by other people's energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. Your life is unconsciously influenced by others' desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods. I’ve since learned to control my sensitivity to others emotions, it can become detrimental to your health and peace of mind.

With all these emotions and nowhere to release them, my mother purchased a diary for me, and so began my love affair with writing. I filled my diary with all my emotions, every incident I would experience, pain, happiness, anger, sadness and frustration; they all went into a compartment of dates and times placed on paper. My diary was my catalog of expression, pent up emotions that I could not share with anyone; I kept a diary until I was eighteen.

Once I felt comfortable about writing my emotions down I discovered I wasn’t alone in writing my expressions on paper. I was in the school library and picked up a book of poetry by Maya Angelou. I read beautiful tapestries of words that I had never seen before and I was amazed at her gift of brilliance!

I also wanted to express myself in that way and at thirteen I wrote my first poem.

Writing began for me as a way to express my emotions, I felt at the time no one could understand what I was feeling. It gave me the freedom to connect to my inner emotions that would have otherwise found no way of release. Even now, when I don’t or cannot write I feel a sense of imbalance, it is something I know I am supposed to do, I’ve come to an understanding it wasn’t a gift I was to keep to myself.

I write poetry to express the images that I envision in my mind into artistic wordplay, it is about creativity and the expression of that creativity...

In that conception I can use words to communicate the thoughts of how I see the world, nature, circumstances, etc., from my spiritual perspective. Some of my poetry is abstract and the reader can use their own interpretation to its meaning (my favorite type of poetry) and then I write some poetry that is straight to the point. As a writer, it becomes my responsibility to share my perception, to express what I feel and to inspire others to do the same in whatever gifts they were blessed with. I started writing to release a lot of things that needed to be let out, if I didn’t I’m sure those extreme emotions would have negatively affected my life. It was my way of finding a spiritual plateau and balance in my life.

We all need to find that place of balance and how we get there depends on how important it is for each of us to do what is right for ourselves and others. For me, I not only love to write, but I love the inspiration I receive from reading and enjoying the artistic creation and perception of others.

So express yourself in whatever gifts you are bless to have and share that gift with others, you will find the treasures of giving far outweigh the expectation of reciprocation.

1 Corinthians 12:4

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them.

A Virtuous Woman

She shall be called Woman

For Her Worth Is Far Above Rubies

A Virtuous Woman

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I'm just sayin....

Below is an excerpt from a short story and a poem I wrote titled…

“In His Madness”

Charles sat at the end of the bed, he thought about the terrible things he said to her. As his mind rehashed the day, the feelings of remorse came flooding over him.

"You're not going anywhere! The football game is on this evening and I want you home with me!"

The argument started when Shirl wanted to visit her Mother, she had been ill and she promised to take her some soup. As she got dressed he continued his barrage of abusive verbal attacks.

"Your Mother don't need no soup, I'm the one who needs to be taken care of. You always give your attention to everyone but me and I'm getting tired of it, bitch!"

Each time he called her derogatory names Shirl would cringe, she couldn't understand how a man who promised to love and protect her could treat her this way. She continued to ignore him, but it only made his rage more intense. She would try to pacify him; sometimes it would work.....sometimes it didn’t.

"Charles, baby, I will be back long before the game is on, please let me do this and I will cook your favorite dish...chicken wings and macaroni and cheese…”

Before she could finish her sentence, his fist connected to her jaw with such force, her ears rang, she fell to the floor spitting out blood along with a molar. Her tongue soothe the hole the tooth left behind, she glared up into the face of her husband and for the first time she didn’t recognize him.

Covering her mouth the blood poured into her hand. She tried to get up off the floor, but his six foot two frame towered over her, raising his hand he came down again slapping her across the face.

"I said, you're not going anywhere, woman and that’s final!"

Shirl look up into his eyes, she saw him like this before. He was filled with rage and his face twisted with a grimace of a man who would kill to maintain his control. She remained on the floor cowering like an injured dog submitting to its master. She knew not to challenge him when the rage and violence possessed him like an evil alter ego; Shirl knew the man she had once adored was no longer in there.

A dark emptiness was in his eyes peering at her.....daring her to say another word.

He snatched her up off the floor, threw her on the bed and ripped her dressed from her body,

As she lay naked and trembling, all her hopes of him changing were dashed at that moment, she finally knew he could never love her the way she deserved to be loved.

  In His Madness

(The Poem)

In his madness

he spirals into deep despair

creating a realm

of sweet wine and roses

in love, an imaginary nirvana

unable to accept

she’s gone...

......really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves me

he doesn't see

the unmark scars

years of neglect

vicious disrespect

silent blows to define his manhood

each punch devised to control

and subdue her soul

now, she’s gone...

.....really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves me

his mind distorted

by images of she

living, breathing, free

a peace he can't fathom

so he simmers....

alone in madness

he contemplates visions

black love letters & phantom kisses

summoning~~~

his psyche into a dark region

is she gone....?

....really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

not....she loves me

He can't stand enduring

this life in solitary oblivion

In his madness

she comes alive

happily ever after

without.........him

in his realism, he dreams

of fictitious romantic endings

and wedding bell blues

then he recollects.....

the minister's words;

for better or for worse

in sickness and  in health

for richer or  for poorer

......til death do we part

......til death

....do

...we

...part

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves.....me

she loves.....me not

she

loves

me...............forever

~~~Rest In Peace

*dedicated to all the women who lost their lives to domestic violence.

epiphany(c)2006

Every 9 seconds in the US, a woman is assaulted or beaten.

On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.

1 in 3 women have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.

1 in 5 women have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

1 in 7 women have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.

On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.

The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime

Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.

Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.

Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.

Although this source included men, my focus is on women; statistically women are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse

* www.ncadv.org

Each day, 3 women die because of domestic abuse. *source: http://nnedv.org

This is a very passionate topic for me, I have known friends and relatives in this situation and I could not write about women’s issue without bringing up this topic. I also have a personal investment in this subject because I grew up experiencing domestic violence in the home. I cannot stress enough the psychological damage that children endure under these conditions.

If you are rationalizing a reason to continue in this relationship, especially if you have children….DON”T! For yourself and the sake of your children LEAVE, because this environment you are subjecting your children to will have lifelong psychological effects. 
*note: I would caution you, depending on the severity of your circumstance use wisdom in your choice to leave. There are resources to help you once you make the decision.

With the help of The Most High and some counseling I have worked through my issues. Most of my issues were the rage I felt having no control over the situation I grew up in. It is very; very important that you seek spiritual understanding and counseling whether you are a victim of domestic violence or an adult child of domestic violence, if you do not, the lingering effects will create issues in your life and relationships.

I have never experience domestic violence myself, I learned very young to recognize the signs in a man with these tendencies. A lot of the rage I experienced always came to the surface when I was faced with controlling men who commits the abuse or my frustrations towards women who stay in these situations. With spiritual understanding and maturity I was able to empathize with the possible reasons women would stay in these relationships, in so doing this allowed me to let go of the rage I felt. I’ve come a long way in overcoming these issues and it is never an overnight resolution,

It can take years to deal with the shame of even talking about it, but I can honestly say once you understand the psychology behind the behavior of what keeps a woman in this relationship and what drives a man to abuse a woman it is the beginning of a long journey of self-discovery and life lessons that will finally bring you peace of mind.

 It is all in discovering who you are as a woman and no matter what, you are a survivor and after everything you’ve been through you can look in the mirror and say you’re ok….

This is true for the women who have overcome and had the courage to leave the abusive relationship and finally know serenity and the adult child of domestic abuse who can let go of the rage and realize it is not your fault you couldn’t have done anything because you were just a child. 

And the final resolution is to forgive yourself, let go of any regrets and ultimately, come to a place in your life where you forgive the person who hurt you.

I can only pray that those who are still in this situation find the courage to know that you don’t have to stay and you are a beautiful, worthy woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect!

*Message to women

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Maya Angelou

Have you ever heard the term “a woman’s intuition?” All women have this intuition, it is part of the nurturing spirit that we all have. We are very emotional creatures, so sometimes our decisions can be based on emotion instead of logic, especially if we are induced by what we perceive to be love. 

In the beginning stages of dating no one puts their full persona forward, because to the other person you want to appear perfect, everyone does this. 

 This is why you take the time to get to know someone. This is the time to take full advantage of that woman’s intuition, because with potentially abusive men there is a pattern of behavior that will emerge if you are paying attention and you give it time. The red flags will begin to occur when he realizes he likes you, generally these men become attached very quickly. Some women will see this as refreshing and a potential possibility of a relationship, it is not!

Once he realizes you like him, he will become possessive, it will be subtle at first, and he will get jealous when he notices you talking to a male friend/man. Some women will see this as sexy and protective, it is not! 

As you ignore these initial red flags and the relationship continues he will demand more of your time, you will see this as him falling in love with you and he wants to be with you, it is not! 

The last tactic of control is to isolate you from your family and friends so that he can keep you from anyone who will influence your thoughts, by your friends and family telling you he is not the best person for you, he can't have that, he wants to be the only influence in your life.

As you ignore the warning signs you find yourself in love with a charismatic, charming and unbeknownst to you, very controlling, manipulative man and once you are where he positions you to be, you will see the real person come forth. You will see the rage and control manifest itself like a train wreck, but by then you have allowed yourself to be blind to all the red flags.

The final stage of complete sovereignty is fear and that is the implementation of physical and emotion abuse, which seals his power and control over you!

So ladies, listen to that intuition because the essence of that psychic sense is The Most High warning us of a potential threat that will do us harm!

Until next time, be safe!