A Virtuous Woman

She shall be called Woman

For Her Worth Is Far Above Rubies

A Virtuous Woman

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I'm just sayin....

Below is an excerpt from a short story and a poem I wrote titled…

“In His Madness”

Charles sat at the end of the bed, he thought about the terrible things he said to her. As his mind rehashed the day, the feelings of remorse came flooding over him.

"You're not going anywhere! The football game is on this evening and I want you home with me!"

The argument started when Shirl wanted to visit her Mother, she had been ill and she promised to take her some soup. As she got dressed he continued his barrage of abusive verbal attacks.

"Your Mother don't need no soup, I'm the one who needs to be taken care of. You always give your attention to everyone but me and I'm getting tired of it, bitch!"

Each time he called her derogatory names Shirl would cringe, she couldn't understand how a man who promised to love and protect her could treat her this way. She continued to ignore him, but it only made his rage more intense. She would try to pacify him; sometimes it would work.....sometimes it didn’t.

"Charles, baby, I will be back long before the game is on, please let me do this and I will cook your favorite dish...chicken wings and macaroni and cheese…”

Before she could finish her sentence, his fist connected to her jaw with such force, her ears rang, she fell to the floor spitting out blood along with a molar. Her tongue soothe the hole the tooth left behind, she glared up into the face of her husband and for the first time she didn’t recognize him.

Covering her mouth the blood poured into her hand. She tried to get up off the floor, but his six foot two frame towered over her, raising his hand he came down again slapping her across the face.

"I said, you're not going anywhere, woman and that’s final!"

Shirl look up into his eyes, she saw him like this before. He was filled with rage and his face twisted with a grimace of a man who would kill to maintain his control. She remained on the floor cowering like an injured dog submitting to its master. She knew not to challenge him when the rage and violence possessed him like an evil alter ego; Shirl knew the man she had once adored was no longer in there.

A dark emptiness was in his eyes peering at her.....daring her to say another word.

He snatched her up off the floor, threw her on the bed and ripped her dressed from her body,

As she lay naked and trembling, all her hopes of him changing were dashed at that moment, she finally knew he could never love her the way she deserved to be loved.

  In His Madness

(The Poem)

In his madness

he spirals into deep despair

creating a realm

of sweet wine and roses

in love, an imaginary nirvana

unable to accept

she’s gone...

......really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves me

he doesn't see

the unmark scars

years of neglect

vicious disrespect

silent blows to define his manhood

each punch devised to control

and subdue her soul

now, she’s gone...

.....really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves me

his mind distorted

by images of she

living, breathing, free

a peace he can't fathom

so he simmers....

alone in madness

he contemplates visions

black love letters & phantom kisses

summoning~~~

his psyche into a dark region

is she gone....?

....really gone

she loves me

she loves me not

not....she loves me

He can't stand enduring

this life in solitary oblivion

In his madness

she comes alive

happily ever after

without.........him

in his realism, he dreams

of fictitious romantic endings

and wedding bell blues

then he recollects.....

the minister's words;

for better or for worse

in sickness and  in health

for richer or  for poorer

......til death do we part

......til death

....do

...we

...part

she loves me

she loves me not

she loves.....me

she loves.....me not

she

loves

me...............forever

~~~Rest In Peace

*dedicated to all the women who lost their lives to domestic violence.

epiphany(c)2006

Every 9 seconds in the US, a woman is assaulted or beaten.

On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.

1 in 3 women have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.

1 in 5 women have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

1 in 7 women have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.

On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.

The presence of a gun in a domestic violence situation increases the risk of homicide by 500%.

Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime

Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

19% of domestic violence involves a weapon.

Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior.

Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.

Although this source included men, my focus is on women; statistically women are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse

* www.ncadv.org

Each day, 3 women die because of domestic abuse. *source: http://nnedv.org

This is a very passionate topic for me, I have known friends and relatives in this situation and I could not write about women’s issue without bringing up this topic. I also have a personal investment in this subject because I grew up experiencing domestic violence in the home. I cannot stress enough the psychological damage that children endure under these conditions.

If you are rationalizing a reason to continue in this relationship, especially if you have children….DON”T! For yourself and the sake of your children LEAVE, because this environment you are subjecting your children to will have lifelong psychological effects. 
*note: I would caution you, depending on the severity of your circumstance use wisdom in your choice to leave. There are resources to help you once you make the decision.

With the help of The Most High and some counseling I have worked through my issues. Most of my issues were the rage I felt having no control over the situation I grew up in. It is very; very important that you seek spiritual understanding and counseling whether you are a victim of domestic violence or an adult child of domestic violence, if you do not, the lingering effects will create issues in your life and relationships.

I have never experience domestic violence myself, I learned very young to recognize the signs in a man with these tendencies. A lot of the rage I experienced always came to the surface when I was faced with controlling men who commits the abuse or my frustrations towards women who stay in these situations. With spiritual understanding and maturity I was able to empathize with the possible reasons women would stay in these relationships, in so doing this allowed me to let go of the rage I felt. I’ve come a long way in overcoming these issues and it is never an overnight resolution,

It can take years to deal with the shame of even talking about it, but I can honestly say once you understand the psychology behind the behavior of what keeps a woman in this relationship and what drives a man to abuse a woman it is the beginning of a long journey of self-discovery and life lessons that will finally bring you peace of mind.

 It is all in discovering who you are as a woman and no matter what, you are a survivor and after everything you’ve been through you can look in the mirror and say you’re ok….

This is true for the women who have overcome and had the courage to leave the abusive relationship and finally know serenity and the adult child of domestic abuse who can let go of the rage and realize it is not your fault you couldn’t have done anything because you were just a child. 

And the final resolution is to forgive yourself, let go of any regrets and ultimately, come to a place in your life where you forgive the person who hurt you.

I can only pray that those who are still in this situation find the courage to know that you don’t have to stay and you are a beautiful, worthy woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect!

*Message to women

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Maya Angelou

Have you ever heard the term “a woman’s intuition?” All women have this intuition, it is part of the nurturing spirit that we all have. We are very emotional creatures, so sometimes our decisions can be based on emotion instead of logic, especially if we are induced by what we perceive to be love. 

In the beginning stages of dating no one puts their full persona forward, because to the other person you want to appear perfect, everyone does this. 

 This is why you take the time to get to know someone. This is the time to take full advantage of that woman’s intuition, because with potentially abusive men there is a pattern of behavior that will emerge if you are paying attention and you give it time. The red flags will begin to occur when he realizes he likes you, generally these men become attached very quickly. Some women will see this as refreshing and a potential possibility of a relationship, it is not!

Once he realizes you like him, he will become possessive, it will be subtle at first, and he will get jealous when he notices you talking to a male friend/man. Some women will see this as sexy and protective, it is not! 

As you ignore these initial red flags and the relationship continues he will demand more of your time, you will see this as him falling in love with you and he wants to be with you, it is not! 

The last tactic of control is to isolate you from your family and friends so that he can keep you from anyone who will influence your thoughts, by your friends and family telling you he is not the best person for you, he can't have that, he wants to be the only influence in your life.

As you ignore the warning signs you find yourself in love with a charismatic, charming and unbeknownst to you, very controlling, manipulative man and once you are where he positions you to be, you will see the real person come forth. You will see the rage and control manifest itself like a train wreck, but by then you have allowed yourself to be blind to all the red flags.

The final stage of complete sovereignty is fear and that is the implementation of physical and emotion abuse, which seals his power and control over you!

So ladies, listen to that intuition because the essence of that psychic sense is The Most High warning us of a potential threat that will do us harm!

Until next time, be safe!

Am I my Sister's Keeper?

                                                                                                        

Am I my Sister's Keeper? I am not referring to a biological sister, but another woman, a neighbor, a woman who looks like me. Can I honestly say that I genuinely care about someone I don't even know? There was a time, in my younger days. When I said...

"I just can't seem to get along with other women; I do better with men, than I do women."

 It didn't mean that I hated on other women, it just meant that I wasn't outgoing, a social butterfly, so to speak.... I was more comfortable with being by myself, than not getting along with anyone. When I gravitated to a like-minded person, I got along very well with other women.  I was very shy, that was more of the issue, than me not liking other women.  I'm sure there are a lot of women who feel the same way. Then there are those women who love to gossip and hate on other women, or the green-eyed monster women who because of her own insecurities can't stand if a woman is dressed better, look better or get more attention than her.

There are various reasons why women are more critical of other females but one thing is certain, when you look at the emotional, physical and mental makeup of women we are basically all the same. Sure, there are different degrees to each woman; in certain situations our reactions to different circumstances are similar from mild to extreme responses.

 For me, I do generally care about other women, the various issues and concerns we go through on a daily basis. It is one of the reasons I created this blog. As a woman, I feel like I have a lot to offer my fellow sisters, who may be going through the same situations, dilemmas and experiences that I have already gone through or some sisters may have gone through situations that I've never experienced. This is why it is important that we start being a little more conscientious to how we treat each other. Be a little more respectful and kind; take the time to greet each other on the street without the eye-rolling and refusing to speak. We need to get back to the communal way of thinking like our grandparents and great-grandparents. It took a village to raise a child back then, ladies and we are the nurturers of the village now and in the future. So, I'm taking the first step outside of my immediate circle to be my sister's keeper. The next time you see a sister on the street, at the mall or in the grocery store, look her in the eyes, smile and say hello.....

you've made the first step towards sisterhood.

If I could have just....?

We will never be more innocent, easily influenced and vulnerable than when we were teenagers. Some time ago I was surfing through YouTube videos, something I do often for educational and research purposes mostly. I came across a video by a young woman, probably in her twenties who posed a very interesting question. So I'm going to bite a bit from her.

 I'm hoping she doesn't mind, it is a great question!

So I will pose that same question to you....ladies.

If you could advise your teenage self, knowing what you know now, what would you tell your younger self that could change, or alter the course of your life as it is now? And would you want to?

Alone or Miserable?

*Quote: If you don't understand yourself, you don't understand anybody else.

Nikki Giovanni

I am a firm believer of love, balance and the role of a man and woman in a relationship as it pertains to the family. Too many have a misinterpretation of the family structure for many reasons. I was raised in a two parent home, was it perfect? No. But I learned the role of what a mother is in the household and I learned what the role is of a father in the household.  Regardless of its imperfection, I was taught the importance of two people working together to bring about a balance in the rearing of six children to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, in today's society, this balance is lacking and many are raised in a single-parent or dysfunctional household. As much as society pretends this is the natural order of things, it is not!  A single-parent scenario has become the acceptable thing and it has led to the deterioration of our family structure.  Am I saying there are no exceptions to the rule?  Of course not, however, the best case scenario for their well-being is for both parents to be present in the life of a child.

A child needs both parents in the home, or in the case of divorce, both parents actively participating. This is why it is so important to be in a stable relationship and have a stable, healthy environment for your children. This is where the initial foundation and the understanding of being in a relationship begin....

As women go on a quest to find someone to share in their life, there is desperation to find a man, any man as long as they are not alone. For some, it could be a matter of feeling that their biological clock is ticking out, for others they may just be afraid of being alone and others still, are lonely, I get that, I've been there myself.

I have many family members, friends and nieces who aren't comfortable with just being alone. Some would rather be in miserable, abusive and drama-filled relationships rather than wait for the right person to come along that will be compatible with them. When you find a man, that man is supposed to compliment you and enhance your life for the better. He is not to bring you misery, disappointment and pain; this is not the way healthy, well-adjusted relationships should be. A big part of the problem why so many women are in these relationships is because they have not built themselves up to understand and know what they deserve or want first. This isn't something you automatically know, it is something you are taught or you come to an understanding of it through hurtful negative experiences in a past relationship. After every experience you need a period of adjustment and reflection, it is the only way to resolve issues that may have prevented the relationship from being successful. There are many reasons a relationship ends, but since it is a fifty-fifty union there may be something unknowingly or knowingly you did that contributed to the demise of the relationship. This can cover many scenarios, jealousy, immaturity, insecurity, not willing to compromise or he just wasn't the right man for you. It is very important to self-analyze yourself so as not to repeat negative relationship issues from the past.  A lot of women do not give themselves enough time after they have been in these bad experiences to learn and figure out what could they have done differently or what they did to add to the damage and destruction of the relationship before they are already in another relationship.

Trial and error like any experience teaches us not to do the same thing again and again. Sadly, during this time a lot of women are carrying along their kids for the same ride over and over not realizing how this is negatively affecting their children's perception of relationships. Many women have probably learned this behavior from their mother, poor judgment skills or the lack of an elder male role model to instill the pitfalls of less than desirable qualities in some men, self-esteem and self-worth.

As women, you owe it to yourself to have expectations and standards when it comes to choosing the right man to spend your life with.

These standards will attract a honorable man who will respect you and be willing to commit to a relationship with you. If you see yourself as a precious jewel worthy at a costly price that cannot be bargained cheaply or given away, then the goal of a lasting relationship and commitment will eventually come into fruition for you in time.

Being alone isn't as bad as it seems, it's indicative of being comfortable in your own skin.

If you use distractions such as, getting to know yourself, your likes, dislikes. How you can improve yourself or work on things that will make you happy first and eventually a great candidate for the right man. Enjoy your life, enjoy your own space and time to yourself,  if you have children focus on your children,  take your mind off of the desperation of having a man at all cost. When you choose to do this, the time will come when you can look at yourself in a positive light and you will be ready to be in a relationship that you deserve because then you will have done the self-analysis to improve your mental well-being and know what you want in a relationship and how to maintain it. Love is a precious gift to share with the right man, don't sell yourself short, give your heart to someone who deserves it.

*On a personal note, I speak on this subject from experience, in my first real relationship I was nineteen, I was young and a bit naive, it was a relationship that lasted three years, It ended due to infidelity. Of course, after this I had trust issues with men. By focusing on my spirituality and learning to be by myself, in time I was able to work through the hurt and my trust issues. In reflecting, I understood the things I did that contributed to the demise of that relationship...the answer: 

Immaturity and I should have made a better choice in the man!

 Consequently, I evolved into a much wiser person.

After a two year period of abstinence and self-analysis, I was ready to try again to be in a relationship. I was mature enough to understand what being in a relationship with another human being meant.

It is not carrying excess baggage into your next relationship,  knowing your self worth,  respect and being respected, being able to compromise and most importantly, "honest" communication.

Once I understood these tools I was ready to be in a successful relationship, I met my husband who at the same time was mature enough in his own growth to be compatible with me. We have been happily married for thirty four years.

*Due to my faith in The Most High, I know He prepared my husband for me and I for Him......There is quite a story behind that. :)