Alone or Miserable?

*Quote: If you don't understand yourself, you don't understand anybody else.

Nikki Giovanni

I am a firm believer of love, balance and the role of a man and woman in a relationship as it pertains to the family. Too many have a misinterpretation of the family structure for many reasons. I was raised in a two parent home, was it perfect? No. But I learned the role of what a mother is in the household and I learned what the role is of a father in the household.  Regardless of its imperfection, I was taught the importance of two people working together to bring about a balance in the rearing of six children to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, in today's society, this balance is lacking and many are raised in a single-parent or dysfunctional household. As much as society pretends this is the natural order of things, it is not!  A single-parent scenario has become the acceptable thing and it has led to the deterioration of our family structure.  Am I saying there are no exceptions to the rule?  Of course not, however, the best case scenario for their well-being is for both parents to be present in the life of a child.

A child needs both parents in the home, or in the case of divorce, both parents actively participating. This is why it is so important to be in a stable relationship and have a stable, healthy environment for your children. This is where the initial foundation and the understanding of being in a relationship begin....

As women go on a quest to find someone to share in their life, there is desperation to find a man, any man as long as they are not alone. For some, it could be a matter of feeling that their biological clock is ticking out, for others they may just be afraid of being alone and others still, are lonely, I get that, I've been there myself.

I have many family members, friends and nieces who aren't comfortable with just being alone. Some would rather be in miserable, abusive and drama-filled relationships rather than wait for the right person to come along that will be compatible with them. When you find a man, that man is supposed to compliment you and enhance your life for the better. He is not to bring you misery, disappointment and pain; this is not the way healthy, well-adjusted relationships should be. A big part of the problem why so many women are in these relationships is because they have not built themselves up to understand and know what they deserve or want first. This isn't something you automatically know, it is something you are taught or you come to an understanding of it through hurtful negative experiences in a past relationship. After every experience you need a period of adjustment and reflection, it is the only way to resolve issues that may have prevented the relationship from being successful. There are many reasons a relationship ends, but since it is a fifty-fifty union there may be something unknowingly or knowingly you did that contributed to the demise of the relationship. This can cover many scenarios, jealousy, immaturity, insecurity, not willing to compromise or he just wasn't the right man for you. It is very important to self-analyze yourself so as not to repeat negative relationship issues from the past.  A lot of women do not give themselves enough time after they have been in these bad experiences to learn and figure out what could they have done differently or what they did to add to the damage and destruction of the relationship before they are already in another relationship.

Trial and error like any experience teaches us not to do the same thing again and again. Sadly, during this time a lot of women are carrying along their kids for the same ride over and over not realizing how this is negatively affecting their children's perception of relationships. Many women have probably learned this behavior from their mother, poor judgment skills or the lack of an elder male role model to instill the pitfalls of less than desirable qualities in some men, self-esteem and self-worth.

As women, you owe it to yourself to have expectations and standards when it comes to choosing the right man to spend your life with.

These standards will attract a honorable man who will respect you and be willing to commit to a relationship with you. If you see yourself as a precious jewel worthy at a costly price that cannot be bargained cheaply or given away, then the goal of a lasting relationship and commitment will eventually come into fruition for you in time.

Being alone isn't as bad as it seems, it's indicative of being comfortable in your own skin.

If you use distractions such as, getting to know yourself, your likes, dislikes. How you can improve yourself or work on things that will make you happy first and eventually a great candidate for the right man. Enjoy your life, enjoy your own space and time to yourself,  if you have children focus on your children,  take your mind off of the desperation of having a man at all cost. When you choose to do this, the time will come when you can look at yourself in a positive light and you will be ready to be in a relationship that you deserve because then you will have done the self-analysis to improve your mental well-being and know what you want in a relationship and how to maintain it. Love is a precious gift to share with the right man, don't sell yourself short, give your heart to someone who deserves it.

*On a personal note, I speak on this subject from experience, in my first real relationship I was nineteen, I was young and a bit naive, it was a relationship that lasted three years, It ended due to infidelity. Of course, after this I had trust issues with men. By focusing on my spirituality and learning to be by myself, in time I was able to work through the hurt and my trust issues. In reflecting, I understood the things I did that contributed to the demise of that relationship...the answer: 

Immaturity and I should have made a better choice in the man!

 Consequently, I evolved into a much wiser person.

After a two year period of abstinence and self-analysis, I was ready to try again to be in a relationship. I was mature enough to understand what being in a relationship with another human being meant.

It is not carrying excess baggage into your next relationship,  knowing your self worth,  respect and being respected, being able to compromise and most importantly, "honest" communication.

Once I understood these tools I was ready to be in a successful relationship, I met my husband who at the same time was mature enough in his own growth to be compatible with me. We have been happily married for thirty four years.

*Due to my faith in The Most High, I know He prepared my husband for me and I for Him......There is quite a story behind that. :)